Family Monopoly Champ!
I'm the Monopoly champion of my house for the fifth straight year!
I know, I know, I'm sure this means about as much to y'all as a glass of warm spit, but to me it's a big deal. All families develop certain traditions over the years, so this week I'm gonna tell y'all about one of my favorites.
Each year, for as long as I can remember, we all head off to Tybee Island for a few days at the beach. I especially enjoy it now that the kids are almost grown, as that means everyone can do pretty much whatever they want to. For me, it means the following:
I don't have to shave the entire time I'm there. Think about it, no razors, no shaving cream, no splotchy places on my face where I've shaved an area too closely, nothing. One of the real plusses to simultaneously growing fat, old, and bald is that looks don't matter so much anymore. My yearly sojourn at Tybee is the perfect chance for me to enjoy that reality to the fullest.
All I have to wear is either shorts and a t-shirt or a swimsuit. Clothes like that allow me personal freedom of the most exquisite kind, and I'm not gonna elaborate anymore about that. Y'all will just have to figure it out.
I can eat at the Breakfast Club and the Crab Shack, either of which would be worth making the trip for.
Along with the beach atmosphere and good food, we also happen to have a little competition each year that involves Alison, Will, Dave (Alison's fiance and a great kid, he already ranks as a true counterfeit Williams), and moi. And this competition involves playing our annual game of Monopoly.
Yep, we all play Monopoly, and we do so once each year whilst at Tybee. It can only be one game because Alison and I happen to be very competitive, so we can only tolerate one game per year. And let me tell y'all, that game gets played like there's no tomorrow, it's balls to the wall for the duration of the game. I'm very proud to say that I won this year's, and here's the inside skinny on how I did it....
On my first trip around the board I bought one of the two cheap purple properties, Mediterranean Avenue. After a few more trips around the board, we'd all bought up every available property. The only problem was that none of us had a complete street to begin building houses and motels on. And when that happens, it's time to start wheelin' and dealin.'
I carefully eyed my three competitors. I figured that Alison wouldn't negotiate with me at all, as her focus was winning and she figured to do that by denying me any properties. That meant I had to turn to either Will or Dave. Dave, it so happened, owned Baltic Avenue, the other cheap purple property. I also noticed that Dave was strapped for cash because, like the rest of us, he didn't own any streets or multiple railroads. I also figured that he'd want to stay on the good side of his future father-in-law, so, I made an offer to Dave. I told him that I would give him Pacific Avenue (one of the green properties, Alison and Will had the other two) and three hundred dollars. Dave bargained me up to $500, and then I started poor mouthing about being taken to the cleaners for such a cheap property. Dave laughed, and agreed to make the deal.
I thought Alison was gonna turn blue. She crawled all over Dave about his decision, but it was too late. I took the property, and then mortgaged my soul to put two motels on them. Not longer after, I collected several nice rents, which led to my purchase of the entire orange street. Before long, I owned about two thirds of the entire board, which led to me bankrupting my own daughter to seal the victory for the fifth straight year.
I'm not gonna lie, Alison, Dave, and Will squawked a lot after the game, each blaming the other for the loss. I decided to be gracious and told them all that whenever they decided to play to win, instead of playing to keep me from winning, that they'd see better results. After that I shut up, hey, let them figure it out. As far as I'm concerned, I'm the Ric Flair of Williams' family Monopoly for the fifth straight year, and now, I'm going to eat some Breyer's Butter Pecan ice cream in order to celebrate. Life's good when you're the champ!
About the author: Ed's latest book, 'Rough As A Cob,' can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He's also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.